I always wanted to climb. All my life. I love hiking but climbing was one of my big dreams. I don’t know why. It might just be an effect of climbing being a sort of forbidden fruit. For a long time I wasn’t even allowed to try because it was too dangerous. For years my dear dad didn’t let me have a go. We didn’t have indoor climbing walls in those days either, so I couldn’t test myself. When, at least in theory, I could decide for myself, then there was either an issue with money (students tend not to have much – if any) or other people were stopping me in various ways. There is no point in contemplating this now. The important thing is that I wanted to climb. Since January I suddenly started planning some things that I always wanted to do and which somehow became accessible or I realised that they were accessible. I’ve booked myself on winter trekking course (I will leave this subject for another occasion) and decided to do climbing course after my birthday. It is only February and my birthday is at the end of September, so you can imagine I sort of can’t wait. It is also half-term and I thought that it would be a good idea to spend some quality time with Filip and do something that we both would enjoy. He’s been going to Clip’n Climb since he was five, so guess what? I booked us both for an hour of fun (or so I thought!). As soon as I paid, I had a funny feeling that it wouldn’t be like I thought. I watched Filip and other children many times and it seemed so easy: you climb up, press the button, jump off and you’re back on the floor ready for another wall. Well, now my gut instinct was telling me that I’m wrong but wasn’t too sure where I was wrong.

We went there this morning, went through all the safety talks and soon after we were clipped and ready to climb. Filip on one wall and I right next to him. Climbing up was fine. I suddenly remembered about the existence of some muscles in my body but that was OK. A few stretches but everything was doable. We both got to the top and pressed the buttons and that was it. I realised that I wasn’t going to ‘jump’ off. ‘Oh, just let go the wall, mum. It’s easy!’ – my very reassuring son was shouting to me. I watched it over and over again when I came with him in the past. I looked around and I saw a bunch of little kids going up and jumping off. I thought to myself – out loud, in fact – ‘I’m just not going to do it! Simply no way!’ Then I had another look around and another thought that perhaps I’m not going to make myself an idiot. I can make myself look stupid for a good cause but not like this! Clearly this worked! As soon as I let go the wall, I was fine. Just that one moment of letting go was absolutely horrific. When I got back down I debated with myself for a moment whether it was the first and the last time in my career. Of course, I wouldn’t have been myself if I had given up… I did climb quite a few other walls and each time it was a bit easier to ‘jump’. Just don’t confuse easier with more comfortable…

If anyone is up for a discussion about stepping out of our comfort zones, I can tell you a lot. I’m not afraid of heights. I can look down without a fear that my head will be spinning in a moment, so there must be something different. I don’t have to think much about it. I know exactly what it is. It just mirrors some key things in my life (and I dare to say life of many other people): holding onto things (or sometimes people), trust or rather lack of it and fear of letting go. It can’t be more obvious. While I’m writing this I have a sense that all the activities I’m planning for this year will be more than just letting some dreams come true. You can hear me saying all the time that the mountains teach me about God and my relationship with Him or that I go on mountain retreats. It’s true, they do. It’s exactly the same with climbing, even if I start indoors with kids. It’s so much easier to keep holding onto this wall, even though it’s uncomfortable. I know that I’m wearing harness and I’m clipped to the rope – basically I’m safe. I’m wearing life harness and I’m clipped to God’s caring hands – the safest place in the world – and it is so hard to trust that His rope will safely take me wherever I need to land. It’s so difficult to let go that wall – which is either just a temporary or false safety, not to mention comfort (mental if any). It’s all about surrender and giving up control. I do not like it… I’d rather keep the steering wheel for myself or like in this case just hold onto this wall…

I spent an hour climbing and just practising ‘letting go’. I can’t say that I got to the point that I enjoyed that ‘jumping’ but time after time, wall after wall it was l easier. Each time there was less thinking, less checking out and more just letting go.

It never crossed my mind that I would have a problem with such a simple thing. I have a very strange and strong feeling that God is preparing me for some leap of faith… Dare I wonder what He’s got in mind?

I’m sure it won’t be my last visit there. Maybe I should start practising on regular basis… Just so you don’t think that it’s all made up 😀

Perhaps, I should have ‘Let it go’ from Frozen playing in a background…